Vous avez vu une bonne partie de mon année déjà, alors je ne ferai pas de rétrospective cette fois!

But I can make a wishlist though!

Alors, pour 2012, je souhaite:

I wish to qualify for the Hong Kong World Champs…
I wish to be stronger (eh oui, encore… je ne sais pas où ça s’arrête ce truc!)
J’espère comprendre l’amour et avoir l’esprit en paix par rapport à ce sujet universel
I wish that no one around me dies or becomes ill
J’espère comprendre l’amitié et finalement en profiter
I wish that I can have a great start to my new life in Montreal, that it lives up to the dream I made it

And for the world…

Je souhaite que la différence fasse une différence…

As usual… yours truly

K

But I know it’s only one of those moments of delight before the storm hits. It’s like things get suspended in time and form. Birds come out to sing. Water drips from the icicles on the porch roof. Each drop falling sounds like spring.

Mais un 20 centimètres s’en vient remplir le ciel et les rues. Mon ”amour” de l’hiver anticipe la descente de tout ce blanc. Je pourrais essayer d’en profiter. Qu’est-ce que je risque après tout? D’avoir froid? Ça ne sonne pas si terrible en ce moment. Probablement parce que c’est si doux dehors.

It’s all a question of perspective. I like to change my perspective once in a while. Every year I try to change that one anyways. Not much of a success since I’m back at it again this year! But I try.

A post about snow. How deep can you go?

Luv

K

Yes, I’m back! Ça fait vraiment du bien de me sentir moi-même à nouveau, solide et fière.

I like to think that life always sends me what I need, whether it’s a gift or a kick in the face. I got my share of gifts, but so many kicks in the face I can’t count them anymore! Mais vous savez, rien de ce qui est aujourd’hui ne serait si ce n’était de ces coups durs.

I think that nothing is free. Surtout les bonnes choses de la vie. Et je crois sincèrement (sans souhaiter de mal à personne) que les gens qui ont passé une vie généralement paisible ne sont que des caractères en attente d’être formés par le cours des choses.

Bref, tout ça pour dire que je crois que j’ai peut-être payé assez cher cette année pour que l’univers me récompense, me réconforte avec quelques cadeaux.

That famous line from The Alchimist: …the universe conspires…

I needed 3 things: A place to live in Montreal – A way to break my lease in Sherbrooke – A new job or (preferably) a job transfer from my current employer.

They came in exactly that order. The finale was grand… I had tears of joy rolling down my cheeks when my boss told me that my transfer had been granted (after being initially refused… and a few months of job searching)

I never knew one could fall in love with a city so much. C’est ce que j’ai découvert avec Montréal. Même assise bêtement dans un embouteillage, je souris juste parce que je suis assise dans un embouteillage… à Montréal. En plus du fait que les voyages constants entre Sherbrooke et Montréal commençaient sérieusement à peser (tant au niveau financier qu’au niveau de toute cette éngergie et ce temps perdus)… I was now up to 900km weekly! Now that I look back on it, it seems so crazy. But when you are in it, you come to accept it. And you try to make the most of it. So I cherished every second I would spend in the big city. And tried not to resent going home so much by thinking about my family there, endlessly hoping they get to see me once in a while. It worked. For almost a year and a half. I’m not quite done with that since I’m not transferring just just yet… but just the thought that it’s soon to be over is enough to make me cry. So I’m now eager instead of impatient. And I smile as I pack my boxes. You know, one of those big dumb smiles you sometimes get when caught daydreaming?

In any case, 2012 is the beginning of yet another life. Maybe I’m like a cat… One could argue that they are chapters instead… But most of them are so distant from one another that you would really think it’s a completely different book. 2012 will be my 10 year wedding anniversary (well… would be, if I were still married!) That’s what I mean by totally different lives!

I feel at home on that island, there is nothing more powerful than that. I am drawn to it. Simple. Good. So, making that dream come true makes me feel like a kid who just found out she’s going to Disney Land. (or so I’m assuming since I’ve never been!)

I have to write another little something. Dans la catégorie essais-erreurs… Je vous ai parlé des mauvais acteurs dans mon film la dernière fois. Je ne sais pas si c’est un autre symptôme de ce fameux brouillard… mais je crois que nous avons failli gaspiller beaucoup de bonheur. C’est long à expliquer et comme vous savez, je me garde toujours un petit peu de privé en décrivant les choses sur ce blog. So I won’t get into the details, but I will say that we are trying out for another movie instead of changing the actors. I think the script was wrong perhaps… And this new movie seems much more suited for us. Let us see what happens. Right now, we are shooting multiple scenes of happiness.

Luv

K

Looking back on the episode, I now consider that what I went through was some sort of ”burn-out”. I even consulted for a while during that period because I wanted to die litterally everyday. Not because I did not want to live anymore, but rather because I felt like I was living way too much.

It’s hard to describe, but when you live too much, there is a certain point (let’s call it the ”breaking point”) where you suddenly become completely and utterly overwhelmed. I had so many things going, and I had been on that path for so long… I would say now about 2 years, or maybe even a tab bit more.

J’ai de la difficulté à cerner exactement comment et pourquoi tout ça a commencé. J’ai passé plusieurs années à m’occuper de mon équipe de bateau-dragon. Bien que cette tâche en soi ait été déjà relativement exigeante par moment, il y a eu une sorte de déclic un jour et je me suis dit que je voulais faire plus. Ça a commencé tout bêtement… je me suis joint au comité de division de la discipline BD au club. En fait, plus j’y pense, moins je suis certaine de l’ordre des choses, mais je vous expliquerai pourquoi plus bas. Je me suis aussi mise à donner un coup de pouce pour les élections municipales… je ne sais pas trop dans quel but, sinon que de me lancer dans une aventure, me faire vivre et apprendre un paquet de trucs! Je me trouvais tellement chanceuse d’avoir toutes ses aptitudes différentes que je me sentais en devoir d’en faire profiter la terre… Si tu es en mesure d’aider, tu es dans l’obligation d’aider. Une sorte de ligne de conduite comme ça… Un guide pour ne pas gaspiller la vie et toutes les chances qui nous sont données. J’ai une sainte horeur de gaspiller la vie moi!

Une chose en entrainant une autre, je me suis retrouvée directrice de la division bateau-dragon et puis également membre du CA du club. Tout ça en construisant une nouvelle équipe de bateau-dragon dite ”élite” à partir d’à peu près rien. Et puis tant qu’à faire, pourquoi pas me charger d’organiser la Fête de l’eau, qui était à reconstruire également car nos prédécesseurs nous l’avait laissée dans un état lamentable.

Je peux continuer, car ce n’est pas fini… je me suis aussi lancée en affaire… en politique aussi quelques instants… La complexité et le niveau de stress de mon emploi ont également quintuplé du jour au lendemain. Et par dessus tout, le projet, ce qui est devenu la trame de fond de mon existence… Le début de l’entraînement qui allait me faire perdre 20 livres, l’idéal à atteindre (qui ne l’est toujours pas d’ailleurs): Hong Kong 2012, les World Champs de bateau-dragon auxquels j’ai décidé que j’allais participer, avec tout ce que ça coûte – et le fait que je doive me séparer (ou me multiplier?) entre Montréal et Sherbrooke depuis plus d’un an pour cet objectif.

The thing is, while each of those, separately, are decent-size projects, each of them also brings its complexities – people, emotions, stress, personal reflexion, unexpected events or reactions (mine or other’s). There is disturbance factor in each of them. Some more than others… like all the negativity around the club management. And while all of those are going on concurrently, the rest of ”regular life” follows its course: friends, family, love (or absence thereof).

I struggled through it all in what now seems like the longest roller-coaster ride ever! (I’m sure I could call Guiness on that…) While I still enjoyed a few ”off days”, that felt like hell frankly because they were so empty, I have never left the ride since then. That seat has my name on it. I just wrote that and now sit here thinking about those off days. The emptiness. I would make an educated guess in saying that they most likely have something to do with the begining of the ride…

The problem with the adventure is that if you manage to stretch yourself to the limit, there better not come any other life event. And just like a budget, we all know that when you are broke, that’s when you’ll get a flat tire. It’s like the falling slice of buttered bread. That dear Murphy. I think about him a whole lot for a stranger I’ve never met.

So Murphy did come knocking at my door… Well through my cellphone to be precise. I received the call of death, litterally. Someone died. And the way it all rolled out was such a trauma that I thought for a moment that I was no longer in my own body. It was a 5-part trauma. 5 heart-wrenching, soul-killing parts that took the life right out of me within 6 hours.

The call, the announce. The sky that suddenly turns to black in mid-afternoon on a terrasse.

The request, hell the mandate, to go announce it to the man I admire the most in life.

The second call… the correction on who died… confusion, relief and immediate guilt about that relief.

Panic… agony… 4th part… telling a mother that she has just lost her son.

Lastly, closing the day with the announce to his sister.

Mes mots sont si petits comparativement au drame qui s’est déroulé ce jour là. Cette journée précise en est venue à incarner pour moi la définition même de ce qu’est l’enfer. Car le feu de l’enfer, de ce que j’en conçois, ne brûle pas la peau que nous avons à l’extérieur… Il fait rage au sein même de notre corps. Au lieu d’être dans la maison enflammée, nous sommes nous-même le brassier et nous mourons, nous mourons, nous mourons… sans jamais que la vie nous délivre.

Le lendemain matin, j’étais au bureau. (Je vous entends penser vous savez…) J’étais assise sur une chaise devant un assemblage de bois qui soutenait des machines de plastique et de métal qui servent à accomplir des tâches et communiquer. Voilà où j’étais. Une sorte d’univers parallèle où on regarde chaque boulon en le séparant de son contexte. Un endroit où rien n’a de sens. Bien entendu, je n’y suis pas restée longtemps.

Il y a eu toute la suite bien entendu. Chaque moment si bien gravé dans ma mémoire. Car les traumatismes n’étaient pas terminés. La cause du décès qui est devenue un mystère. Le long chemin du retour lorsque j’ai été chercher ma cousine à l’école. Le salon, les funérailles… mon rôle. Oui, mon rôle… Voyez, je suis la ”résumeuse de vie”… Celle qui manipule la plume pour dire ce que tous veulent dire à l’heure du départ du proche, et qui ensuite livre la performance devant l’audiance. Combien de fois j’ai crû perdre conscience tellement j’étais envahie. Je m’y sens si agile et si inadéquate à la fois, dans ce rôle. Comme si je devais un instant laisser le défunt me passer à travers le corps, l’âme, le coeur… m’en imbiber pour mieux le ranimer, pour un petit moment. Je décide de nommer ça mon privilège ingrat.

Enough of the event. It’s good to lay it on my screen, under those fingers of mine. The key strokes are the liberating truth. But the point was that I did not run into a wall. The wall built itself into my face in a fraction of a second and there I was, in it, without knowing what the hell had happened to me. Under any circumstances, that event in itself is enough to throw off anyone. But imagine a sheet of fabric, stretched to the max into some sort of parachute. A tiny tear would be enough to rip it all off at once. But instead, mine did not tear a little… It cought on fire and dissapeared into smoke in a split second.

So down I went. I did not even spiral down. I had nothing left to even make me spin. I went straight, very straight down.

But I did not die. Instead, I lay on the ground with every single bone broken, ever organ punctured and bleeding. And the worse part is that, even if my voice was still intact, I was in the middle of a field, alone, for no one heard me call out for help. A lot of the aftermath is thick fog. When I think back, I remember the smell of my own blood, but not much else. All I did for a while was scream… Scream for help, scream out of pain, scream for someone to come to my rescue, glue me back together perhaps. But no one came. And I will admit that being the turtle that I am, I probably would not even have appreciated any piece of help. I can recall some conversations… two in particular, with people who tried to throw me a rope. But when you are laying on the ground with all your bones broken, you can’t pick-up a rope and you burst into some kind of mad laughter at the thought that this is the best they can do for you. And you feel so alone, so empty.

So then, I met the mean therapist. He gave me a taste of my own medicine. Why the hell do you think you are broken young lady? Who do you think you are, that you can do everything at once and that nothing will happen to you? I got so upset… no… really pissed off! For he was right. And I hated it. I thought so highly of myself that I figured I could do anything I wanted. Hell… that I HAD to do everything I wanted. Remember, I hate to waste life. He even called my sport ”entertainment”… a leisure I could not afford to put so much effort into! Yes yes… my elite, world championship sport… While the aim and context were a bit off (I can’t blame him for not knowing what that represented…), I had to admit that he reached his goal. I started shedding… shedding projects… One by one, I got rid of all my ”other obligations” and recentered my life on 3 main streams: Work, Training, Family. (Oh, I didn’t tell you? The Monday after the funeral, we were at the cardiologist for my father, and received confirmation that he would have to undergo major cardiac surgery… Remember Murphy, my best friend?)

Vacations came… the spin of work had not stopped, although at that point, my capacities were badly tainted. So it all came as a relief that I had managed to let go of all that extra weight and that I now had almost 3 weeks to keep cleaning up, focus only on the 3 core elements, and rejuvenate with a major fulfilling event, the national championships.

For a while, I even felt like I had been put back on my feet because I found some things that carried me and had let go of things that were pinning me to the ground. I even met someone significant. While I was hesitant at first, I thought about letting go and exploring something that could feel right for me. And so I did. Life picked-up right were I left it. The fog had cleared, or so I thought.

But while I got back to work, continued on with the training, tried to find time for family…. the persistent fog started sneaking up on me again. One day, I realized that it had been a while since I had been able to process any new knowledge. My memory was not the clear sharp tool it usually was. My concentration felt more and more like a bad case of ADD that had broken out into daylight. I accumulated multiple little mistakes that felt like tremendous failures. I became insecure. I noticed that I was having a lot of ups and downs and had great difficulties reading social interactions and processing them correctly. I invested into a relationship based of what I now feel were different degrees of misconceptions. The line between what I wanted, what I needed, who I was, and who my significant other was became blurry, drunk-like. And such as I am, I jumped in because I always seize opportunities. I hate to waste life. And I wanted to try that path, because it felt rich with potential. It was one of the few things I thought I had finally identified correctly… since the rest was so drenched-up in fog.

But unfortunately, that relationship was no exception. The road to my healing is long… extremely long. I never realized it would be so long or that the events had made so much damage. When I noticed that I was not out of the woods yet, I tried to change my glasses. I took things, one by one, and tried to focus on them. I let go of the last of my obligations at the end of the season when I resigned as team captain and while another weight was lifted off my shoulders, I decided to accept that the fog was still there. Slowly, I noticed that I could look that fog straight in the face. Accepting its presence made it a tad less thick. Il fallait que j’approvoise mon brouillard et que je travaille en équipe avec lui si je voulais m’en sortir en jour.

So I let go and I opted-out of my relationship as well. Because while it did bring me great gifts and pleasure, it was ultimately simply not what I was looking for. There is nothing else to it. C’est aussi simple et pur que ça puisse l’être. Je me suis trompée. J’ai cru, et j’ai vécu tout celà intensément, car c’est ainsi que je vis. Mais une fois certains brouillards dissipés, j’ai constaté que j’avais malheureusement entraîné quelqu’un avec moi dans un rêve qui n’avait pas les bons acteurs. Je me suis déçue également là-dedans. Je m’étais jurée de ne plus jamais réaliser de films avec les mauvais acteurs, parce que ça fait perdre à tout le monde. Mais je dois l’avouer, dans l’état où j’étais, je n’ai pas eu la clarté d’esprit de reconnaître que je me dirigeais dans cette direction. Si je n’avais pas vécu toutes ces choses, si la vie n’avait pas mis le feu à mon parachute, je ne crois pas que ce serait arrivé. En fait, si je ne m’étais pas retrouvée suspendue à un parachute au départ même, tendue de toutes part, le feu ne m’aurait pas faire tomber car j’aurais eu les deux pieds sur le sol.

Et si je n’avais pas ressenti autant de vide, je n’aurais jamais enfilé de parachute et sauté en bas de l’avion.

Et si je sortais de ma vision de choses et acceptait ce qui m’entoure, je ne ressentirais pas autant de vide.

Et si j’avais plus confiance et moins d’insécurité, je sortirais de ma vision des choses.

Luv

K

I managed to get 11 hours of sleep last night. That’s rather surprising considering the state I was in when I went to bed. Or maybe not. I was indeed quite tired…

Mon petit coeur avait repris un battement plutôt régulier lorsque je me suis finalement couchée, dans le lit de la chambre d’amis chez mes parents. Voyez, j’ai eu la peur de ma vie en soirée, lorsque deux gros gaillards ce sont pointé chez moi vers 9:30. Tout d’abord un petit voyage dans le temps.

J’ai été chanceuse parce qu’après le départ des voisins d’en haut qui menaient un bon vacarme avec leur petits qui couraient sans cesse, le logement est resté vide assez longtemps. Mais au début de l’été, de nouveaux locataires s’y sont installé. Il n’a pas fallu beaucoup de temps avant que je m’apperçoive que quelque chose clochait. Beaucoup de va et vient, dans tous les sens du terme… quelques filles croisées de temps à autre… Mais surtout, une sorte d’équipe ”logistique” qui entourait cet appartement. Des appels au cellulaire sur le balcon. Des hommes, jamais les même, qui sortaient tour à tour par la porte de côté. Et puis ces nuits où je m’évaillais au son d’une ”transaction d’affaire”…

Un jour, un homme, en fait une grosse pièce d’homme, est venu inspecter chez-moi. Il m’a raconté une petite histoire banale… Il habite en haut avec sa fille et il n’est pas souvent chez-lui. Cette fille reçoit beaucoup d’amis et il veut savoir si le bruit me dérange. ”Je sais que c’est un vieil immeuble” me dit-il… En effet, j’entends très bien. Je fais du bruit, vous faites du bruit, vous savez… moi… ça ne me dérange pas trop, mais oui, j’entends beaucoup de bruit.

À demi satisfait, il repart en me souhaitant bonne journée. Et puis graduellement, la petite gêne du début s’efface. Ils deviennent confortables, confiants vous savez. Ils se cachent de moins en moins. Quoi que chaque fois que je croise un visiteur qui sort, il ne me regarde jamais en pleine face. Je vois quelques visages connus… au moins un en tout cas, que je sais être associé avec des gens qui utilisent des repères blindés… Il passe de temps à autre, semble vérifier l’état des choses.

Vous pouvez sans doute imaginez le malaise qui commence à s’installer chez-moi. J’hésite entre deux conclusions: Suis-je plus en sécurité puisque leur équipe logistique surveille constamment l’immeuble? Ou alors suis-je moins en sécurité car un lot de gens plus ou moins sobre rôde toujours près de ma porte et pourrait aisément se tromper d’adresse? La réponse ne tarde pas à venir…

Lors d’un récent voyage d’affaire, ma mère est venue chez-moi s’occuper des mes chats. Lorsqu’elle était dans mon appartement, une des ”filles” y a fait irruption sans cogner et elle se sont retrouvées face à face. Ma mère lui a fait comprendre qu’elle se trompait d’adresse, mais le mal était fait. Comme si la vie m’envoyait un message, un autre évènement est venu assombrir mon sentiment de sécurité… Quelques jours après mon retour, je suis venue diner à la maison. Quelqu’un frappe à ma porte… J’ouvre, mais je ne connais pas le viel homme qui est planté devant moi, l’air incertain. ”Es-tu… Es-tu Sugar Baby?” me demande-t-il… Il a l’air un peu désemparé que je lui dit que non, qu’il a la mauvaise adresse. Cette fois, c’est un vieillard inoffensif. La prochaine, est-ce que ce sera quelqu’un qui a poudré son petit nez pour rassembler son courage et qui n’acceptera pas que je lui dise non?

Je prends finalement mon courage à deux mains et je décide d’aller voir la police. J’ai tellement peur qu’ils sachent que je vais porter plainte que je ne prends pas ma voiture et je marche jusqu’au poste. Je ne veux pas que personne passant par là voit ma petite voiture si facilement reconnaissable.

C’est un peu décevant aller voir la police vous savez. Ça finit toujours pas un: Merci Madame, nous allons regarder ça. Si jamais vous trouvez d’autres informations utiles… des noms, des plaques d’immatriculation, contactez-moi. On ne peut pas garantir qu’il y aura un résultat à l’enquête.

Je rentre chez-moi, avec le sentiment que je suis encore moins en sécurité qu’avant d’aller au poste.

Retour au début de mon texte… 2 gros gaillards… Je pense que le sang s’est réellement figé dans mes veines lorsque je me suis rendue compte qu’ils venaient bel et bien dans ma direction. J’étais assise sur le balcon, portable sur les genoux, incapable de me sauver. Je me suis dit que j’étais foutue… Que mes voisins savaient que j’avais porté plainte. Ils venaient régler le problème. Mon coeur est passé en mode sprint et bientôt, je n’entendais même plus le bruit de leurs pas mais seulement son battement de panique.

Lorsque j’ai vu le badge… on dirait que tout a lâché en moi et une sorte de grand froid m’a envahi de la tête aux pieds. Un soulagement qui ne fait même pas vraiment de bien car la peur qui l’a précédé a été trop intense. Les détectives en civil venaient mettre de la pression sur les voisins pour cesser leurs opérations. Ils ont même eu droit à un client qui tentait de s’échapper en douce par la porte de côté.

J’ai été surprise que ce soit pris en charge… et aussi rapidement aussi (en 2 jours). Mais après, je dois dire que je me suis mise à avoir peur que les fameux voisins décident de faire le tour de l’immeuble pour trouver le rat… Donc je suis allée dormir chez ma mère. Et pour dormir… j’ai dormi!

À suivre

K

They have not all been the same. My first memories are of time spent with you. I would keep hoping to get more of those times. Even when I started screaming one day when you walked in the house because you were away so often that I did not recognize you. Even if it meant watching you nap when my cartoons were over because I did not want to disturb you. You are the only one who could make a toddler sit still for an hour…

The first dream I ever recall was of you. It was a nightmare that said “I miss you”.

You were the one I preferred asking permissions to. No offense Mom… but Dad said yes more often. And the way you looked at me when you said it made me feel like I had to earn it and not push the limit once permission was granted.

You made me learn to say the truth. I would always get caught anyways if I lied. It was much simpler to say the truth, even when it meant I would get punished. You were happier when I said the truth. And I wanted you to be happy all the time.

You disapproved of a few things I did. And I never meant to disappoint you. Although I know it was not really disappointment, but rather fear that I would regret decisions and paint myself in a corner. But that was because you did not realise that you hade made me strong and resourceful. Because of you, I never got scared that I would not be able to find work. I knew that I could do anything, or find a way to do it if I did not know how yet.

You gave me your brains. You were always the smart one, and then I came along and we understood things together. We talked about some stuff… when you actually let me talk that is. I had to learn to speak louder. And I made you listen, even when you were already thinking about what you wanted to reply next, even when your mind was already made up. You could have made me a lawyer for all those times I had to fight to get my point across.

And I would have been a good lawyer, because you taught me right from wrong. And you gave me a gift that I will cherish all my life and hopefully beyond as I carry it with my name: family. You made me love it and respect it. I still long for the day I will reward you with the continuity of your name. I want to carry what you and your father before you have created, a chain of good-hearted life-loving human beings who do great things, small or big. And that love embrasses differences, enabling love for imperfection that in itself makes it entirely perfect.

For all those 31 years, I have worked hard to make you proud of me. And while you never asked Dad, it makes me want to tell you that I am the one person in the world who is the most proud of you. There has never been anything in life that made me doubt you. My dad has always been the strongest and the best. My dad will always be the strongest and the best.  I never envied anyone’s father. Not one single time. I had all the dad I needed, whether he was near or far; whether or not he was able to tell me he loved me.

You might keep wishing for a lot of things in life for me. You might have a vision of the life you wish I had. But you can stop wishing well for me Dad. It’s done now. You’ve succeeded. I am there, fully grown, fully equipped for life, thanks to you. You did it. You’ve had a child who grew up to become happy. Because no matter the ups and downs, I am happy with my life. I am grateful for being your daughter, for health, for my strong moral compass, for the knowledge that I will always take the right direction, no matter where it leads me. Because no matter where I land, I know where I come from.

I love you

C

PS: Why in English? Just because I know you will understand it anyways and because I like to piss you off. N’oublie pas que tu m’as aussi appris à aimer ma langue et à la chérir.

I believe that I was not meant for the cold. I was not meant for the falling of leaves, the graying skies, the falling degrees, the falling rain… The falling is no pleasure.

Who likes to Fall anyways?

I have attempted to reverse the trend. Not the seasonal trend, but the falling kind. I am hoping that this year will work out as well, or better, than the last. We make associations don’t we? We put together things that we dislike and we link them into a spiral of evil that is upon us whenever they please… or whenever they are scheduled to happen I guess.

Here are my pieces of evil, the Falling-Evils:

End of Dragon Boat practices
End of Dragon Boat races
Cold
Rain
Falling leaves
Soon to come snow
End of the freedom to wear what I like! You know, putting on a jacket before you get out?
LESS OF MY SUN and shorter… shorter… short days…

Somehow, all of those things come together at the same time. Like a plane crash, they fill the air with thick smoke and the smell of death. Doom is what it is. And little pieces of me die with the end of my summer… oh the shinny summer… radiant even as it rains on the green leaves.

I probably wrote about this last year actually! Or maybe not. I’m losing track you see. And that’s probably because it’s not important. If it were, I would remember… like a birthday.

I am adding two Fallers to my list of Falling-Evils this year. My father’s pending heart surgery, due any time now… And the reduced number of trips to the city of life. While my car and life might welcome the reduced travel time, my destination does not. I’ve come to combine and maximise my minutes to spend time with two lovers… my boat, and my boat-man. One of them is taken away from me by the cold, the other will wait patiently for my return.

In this seasonal decay, I must find strenght. I spent all summer missing the gym training and the progress I had come to master at a good speed. It was all put on hold by the paddling season, reasonnably so, considering that I train to paddle harder. I will then be able to reconcile with the harsh training routines that I loved and longed for. I will be able to focus on my goals… to ultimately make the cut and get to the World Champs… Is that tought comforting enough?

I hope so

And while I am in the season of doom, maybe I can find light in what may soon become the biggest change in my life, after discovering training that is! Maybe… maybe the city of life could become mine? Who knows really…

Kacco

Right now, I’m in my Olympics mode! No, it’s not 2012 yet, so I’ll still have to wait before cheering like a maniac in front of my TV. But as I speak, it’s day 4 of the 5-day Dragon Boat World Championships by country. What that means is that each country hand-picked the best of the best to build national teams in all categories for this championship… to send them off to represent Canada at the World’s.

For me, for my sport, this is the end-all-be-all… There is no greater than that. It IS our Olympics. So far, Canada has done so well, it’s unbelievable. After 3 days of racing, we have accumulated no less than 38 medals, most of those being gold. We have, for example, completely dominated the 2000m race category, only missing 2 Gold medals to fully wipe the podium. 9 gold, 1 bronze, 1 4th place. Although I knew that Canada was a strong player internationally, I am still stunned at how good we are doing down there.

And the best part, besides our country, my sport… is that I know a lot of the people who are racing down there right now. Friends, people I admire and paddle with each week… people who inspire me… people I look up to with such admiration. They give me hope and strenght for my own training. I am lucky to paddle next to such great athletes. And there’s the most obvious…

I have recently met someone. I should correct that with a precision… We’ve seen each other at the gym and paddle pool through the fall, during winter, spring… We knew who the other was, our names, what we did at the club, who our friends were. But we only recently met and introduced ourselves in more details. It happened during one of the best times in my life too: the National Championship of Dragon Boat, in Welland ON. We packed a couple of buses… others took their cars… And the best teams of our club went on to race and try to qualify for the Club Crew World Champ next year.

A few weeks prior to that, I had come to breaking point. I had streteched all I could do far too much. And the death of my cousin propelled me into a downward spirral that seemed to have no end. So I started “talking to someone”, yeah, some sort of phone therapy… I reduced the focusses of my life to 3 main spheres, which was clearly the maximum amount I could take at this point. Family, Work, Training. You will notice that there is no 4th place for friends, 5th place for attempting to get romantically involved with anyone, 6th place for simple leasure, 7th place for my club admin stuff… Nope. 3 spheres of my life was all I could handle anymore and I had to make heartbreaking decisions, cut ties, reduce any other involvement that was not related to those. It was a question of survival, nothing short of that.

So, I had quit chasing The One. I had quit trying to fill my life with love. Not to mention that prior experience had led me to start saying: Men are just such BS! I had just begun my vacation the week before. I had just started letting go of all those work-related worries. My mind was starting to be free. I was finally induldging in all I really wanted… racing and training… under the sun preferably.

During that weekend, I experienced joy as I had only experienced it a few times in life. I was fullfilled. I had plenty. I was back on my feet too. I was ME again. Me, the fighter. Me, the racer. Me, the funny gal. I had so much fun with my roomies and teammates. It was, perfection, I truly believe. I have never said Men are such BS! as many times as I have that weekend. One, because I was letting go… Two, because it was all part of the running gag. And three, becacuse I was daring life to prove me wrong.

And just like the universe has that funny way of doing things… it indeed started to conspire in my favour.

At the end of a hallway on our 2nd night, our friend knocked on a door, for fun… and it opened. There was that familiar, yet unknown face. I stared. I smiled. And then started to want more. For the rest of the weekend, I was secretly hoping we would knock on that door again. Or that we would meet again on the race site… get to talk… I tried, but backed out when it came close. What was I going to say afterall? The simple hello did not seem to cut it anymore. But by then, the universe’s conspiracy was already underway. And on the last day, he came to me and we talked. It was easy, he had questions and things to say. All I had to do was answer and stare right back at him, trying to read his expression.

There was no turning back. I jumped feet first, then I tried to back out, simply because I play turtle… But in that unsuspecting moment, we became engaged into something entirely different and I would have to run with it. The water was no longer a pond… it became a river that took me somewhere else.

I’m still going down the stream. And it feels good. My man and my Olympics collided… Yes, he is a world champion. He is down there with the national team and I envy him, but most importantly, admire him so. This is the combination of the two things that give me shivers. It’s of a rare intensity. And I cannot wait to welcome him home.

K

And you had such great strenght in you that you did not get scared. Instead, you knew that you had been waiting for this all your life. You had dreamt of something bigger than you this whole time, but the dream had only been hidden in the moolight, occasionally coming out when it was not yet dark, yet never making it to your full waking hours.
 
Your hands and your heart now knew that they could grab hold of this immense opportunity that made all the biggest goals attainable. Simply because you could!
 
Mais le pouvoir et la réalisation sont 2 choses bien distinctes. Car même s’ils ne le savent pas toujours, tout le monde a le pouvoir. Ce qui te rend si différent, c’est la réalisation de ce potentiel. The call to action, to which you responded. Un plan s’est alors élaboré… tu as pris la carte de la vie et l’as remanié de façon à faire coincider tous les chemins que tu devrais prendre pour la destination… pour que l’univers conspire avec toi dans l’atteinte de ce rêve fou et si ennivrant.
 
Dans les recoins de ton coeur, tu as gratté pour déloger la passion, la force, le résilience. Dans les recoins de ta tête, tu as gratté pour déloger l’organisation, la planification, le plan d’action. Dans les recoins de ton ventre, tu as gratté pour déloger le courage, l’amour de l’effort qui fait mal, le mordant d’une si belle aggressivité qui croque dans la vie.
 
With all this beautiful strenght that you had in you this entire time, your dream was born, and you would care for it with your life.
 
Day in, day out… every minute and every heart beat became focused and aligned. Your heart sweat along with your body – because the effort was so much greater than you. Your milestones started accumulating. The steps became more numerous behind you than before your eyes. You crossed each finish line stronger than you had crossed the previous. You took the tests. You learned with the best. You went back to the drawing board and drew the picture again over and over, in the hopes of actually getting to the final portrait that would shine brighter than any star… your star. The star of what’s within you.
 
Ta force brille tant qu’elle m’éblouie. Je ne peux l’admirer qu’un peu à la fois de peur de me brûler les yeux et le coeur. Saisis-la et canalise-la maintenant pour tous ces moments d’efforts à venir. Tu as tant fait. Tu as tant vécu pour ce moment. Verse maintenant toute cette eau vive dans l’ultime de ce moment. Saoule-toi de cette vie sans regarder ni derrière, ni devant.
 
x
K

Playing turtle with my relationships! You know: let’s go! or maybe no… Naah… Let’s go! Argh, but what if…

I’m lucky. I have Life Extraordinaire. But people, that’s a different story. They breathe and think independently from my comfortable universe. I’ve got so many skewed perceptions of things. Experience shapes our truth, and sometimes not in the best of ways. Maybe I need to wipe my glasses clean because it might enable me to appreciate a few things that I’m not yet willing to let in. How to you shed experience? That balance that makes you want something in particular because you’ve been burned by the exact opposite… Can we skip the step where I have to go 100% the other way and jump straight the the middle point where a bit of both is acceptable and even desirable?

Time will tell. In the meantime, I have to let go – release that tight grip I always have on things of life.

Luv – really?

Kacco